My Path to Pattern Testing: From My Worsted to Super Fine

by Laura Murphy of @MurphyMadeCrochet

I am so excited to introduce Laura of @murphymadecrochet as the first guest post on The Skeiniac Blog! In this beautifully vulnerable post, Laura opens up about her path to pattern testing and the crochet community.

After reading, go show Laura some love on her Instagram page! Hers is definitely an account you’ll want to follow if you’re not already doing so, as she is always sharing stunning crochet projects against beautiful backdrops. (Word on the street is she is starting to knit too! ◡̈ )

Pictured above, @murphymadecrochet wearing the Confetti DK Pullover by @nomadstitches. Below (from left to right), Laura is wearing the @by.stephanie.erin Pretty in PANK sweater; the @nomadstitches Mozaika Gunes Top; the @nomadstitches Taroko Sweater; and the @by.stephanie.erin Lattice Lace dress.

Please enjoy her post:

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“Most of you probably know me as @murphymadecrochet, a serial crochet tester with a penchant for pink, palm trees, and crop tops. I occasionally mention my struggles with mental illness and sobriety, but my account is overwhelmingly more yarn based than truly personal. In fact, I never intended to share my alcoholism with anyone. It was my secret shame, and I was too intimidated by the perfection I projected upon every other maker to share what I believed for a long time was a true failure and defect in character. But as I’ve grown more confident in my place in the maker community and more confident in the choices I’ve made and experiences I’ve lived, I realized that this secret was not only just another stigmatized struggle millions endure, but also largely responsible for the person I am today. So with that being said, here’s a bit of my story. It may begin on a darker note, but spoiler alert: there’s a happy ending.  

At the beginning of 2018, I had my own (yarnless) apartment with city skyline views, a career as a municipal bond broker on a trading floor, and all the appearances of a happy and successful life. However, I also had a drinking problem that had been growing ever more wildly unmanageable by the day, and the airplane bottles in my purse clinking like persistent alarm bells became too deafening to ignore. Unable and unwilling to stop on my own, I conceded to my parents’ insistence of going to an inpatient rehabilitation program. The first few days were blurry, but I have the most vivid memory of one of the kind intakers trying to settle me with a dose of small talk and asking me what I like to do for fun. And I can still feel the emptiness that accompanied the realization that I didn’t know. I didn’t know who I was or what I enjoyed anymore. Alcohol had filled in all the cracks of my life like weeds taking over the broken pavement, and I lost all sight of what had once been.

Cut to the following summer, five months fresh out of rehab and slowly crawling towards my sixth month of sobriety, my life looked nothing like what I had ever envisioned for myself. My independence had completely dissipated, and I was now living with my parents, sleeping in my childhood bedroom, and the contents of my beautiful apartment were just taking up space in the garage. And my panic disorder had completely escaped my control. Without the alcohol with which I used to self medicate, I had nothing to numb the all consuming anxiety that wracked my mind and I became unable to leave my house. I spent every waking hour lying in fetal position on the living room couch, riding the waves of panic attacks crashing into one another. Unlike most alcoholics, I hit my lowest point after I had already stopped drinking. I was filled with an aching grief for the life I no longer had, anger that I had to suffer further after finally kicking the drink, the loneliness after having pushed away all those who were once close to me, and an immense self pity. 

Enter stage left - a llama farm and some yarn. My mother took me to a llama farm a few towns over to try to cheer me up for the day, and we took home some beautiful handspun yarn as a souvenir. A few youtube videos later, and we were both cursing at the sweet woman in the clip who told us to go to a more beginner friendly video if we didn’t know how to half double crochet. A few more videos later, and it clicked for me. I started making everything I could. And I cannot properly convey the relief, after feeling so overwhelmingly incapable of anything, to make something with my own two hands. My anxiety enforced house arrest no longer mattered as much if something beautiful could still come out of it. Yarn became my constant companion, and methodically working my hands through beautifully textured wools helped to distract a bit from the symptoms of an oncoming panic attack. A few months and several doctor appointments later, my panic attacks were much more bearable, and I had a new obsession

I made an instagram account dedicated to my crochet work last autumn, and I will always be grateful for the immeasurable gifts this community has given me. Through testing, my skills have grown exponentially and I’ve become a part of the most encouraging community I’ve ever known. I had grown so accustomed to people (rightfully) pushing me away that the embrace of all these strangers on the internet was overwhelming at first. I had grown used to an ever present sense of failure, and suddenly people were telling me that my work was good. I had lost my identity to alcohol and anxiety, and found it through creating and sharing with other makers, some of whom have become very dear friends. 

I apologize if this seems overly sentimental or self indulgent, but I am overly sentimental and self indulgent, and I’m the one writing, so you all just have to deal with it. But to sum it up, crochet saved me in a way. I still have bad days, I still have limitations imposed by my panic disorder, and I’m still living with my parents. But this wonderful craft gave me a community when I was alone, confidence in my competence after losing everything I’d worked for, and happiness after wondering if I would ever feel joy again. I’m not sure what the future holds for me yet, but as long as there’s yarn in my hands, I think I’ll be okay.” 

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To follow along with Laura’s pattern testing journey, be sure to check her out on Instagram at @murphymadecrochet! Laura is also an affiliate for WeCrochet. Support her by buying yarn and other goodies through her affiliate link here!